I’ve tried really hard not to post too much about food but you’re going to have to humour me here – or skip this post which is totally acceptable, especially since there’s no photos because this hotel is so fancy I felt a bit embarrassed about taking a camera into the dining room even though the staff are so lovely they probably would’ve gone up to my room when I realised my error. Not to worry, I’m determined to come back. Anyhow, here’s the damage – make sure you’re not feeling hungry.

Mum and I spent the afternoon in the seriously classy bar watching the rain come down.

First we looked at the menus and chose our starter, then our intermediate (yes, that’s a thing), main and decided to wait and see of we could fit in dessert and cheese.

Before we were invited into the dining room we were brought a plate of canapés. Salmon mousse in cucumber with caviar, a tiny rarebit with pineapple and steak tartare on toast. Each was a tiny work of art.

Then it was into the dining room and a board of bread. Three kinds of tiny rolls, one lemon scented, one brown with pieces of apricot and the last focaccia with an olive embedded in it. Mum didn’t eat any bread but I later regretted having one of each. But also didn’t because they were delicious.

Next was the starters. Mum had king scallops and pork belly with black pudding puree, I had gravadlax with crab, beetroot and more caviar. I’ve never had gravadlax but in Archer they mention it so I thought I’d give it a try. Turns out I’d had something very similar in the Cook Islands several times. Delicious!

Next up, the course I didn’t know existed – intermediates! We both chose the citrus sorbet with candied orange. This was amazing. Pure orange flavour. On reflection, this is probably why I didn’t need dessert.

Mains (finally). Mum had an amazing naverin of lamb neck (I think naverin must translate into ‘piece’) that literally fell apart. Literally. Amazing. I had the roast crown of Cumbrian beef, which I could pull apart with my fork. I have a feeling the word ‘amazing’ is getting too much of an airing today, but what the heck, this was amazing. The oxtail suet pudding was almost better than the roast and served in a tower, like all fancy food should be.

By that time we were fearing our ability to get out of our seats, let alone make it up the stairs. We turned down the last two courses then we bravely staggered to the bar, waiter carrying our bottle of wine and glasses. Now I’m ensconced in a wine-red studded leather armchair and thinking longingly of the parfait I would’ve had, followed by the unpasteurized soft goat’s cheese I would’ve finished off with, had I not been afraid my sides would split.

But we’re not done. Having told Danny we’d not require our final two courses he took pity on us and brought a plate of hand made chocolates to tide us over.

I can’t tell if they want us to move in or they’re trying to kill us.